** 五月憩园 **

看到很多朋友的facebook status开始有很多冬至的祝福留言，还有朋友watsapp的短讯，我发现又快一年了。大概傍晚的时候，我expect的电话来了。

“Arloo, ah 媚啊？”
“Hello? Ah poh 啊？”
“Harllo?? ”
“婆，我听到。我是ah 媚啊”
“ah 媚啊，你听到没有？”
“我听到，我听到。你吃饱liao mah？”
“我还没有啦，很早啦。他们都还没有冲完凉。”
“oh，你打给我做mo?”
“哈哈，没有啦。大日子嘛，你知道没有？哈哈”
“我知道，冬至嘛对不对。”
“是lo是lo，做mo你又懂的？哈哈”
“我当然懂啦。”
“大日子咯，婆婆想到你咯。哈哈。有没有出去吃好料？”

我中午毕业后一直在外生活，但是每到中秋、冬至这些大日子老佛爷都会打个电话给在外的孙子孙女，从不间断。我很庆幸，老佛爷还有力气给我打个电话。

好催泪的电话。简单又窝心。

对我来说，大日子的意义应该是这样吧。

我以为我已经痊愈
但原来我只是一直在逃避

逃避
其实也不过是用另一种方式在伤害自己

我又回到阴暗处
自舔伤口
自我怜惜
一点都不酷

我讨厌不酷的自己
我至少要做到
如何让不酷的我，不哭

Time flies. People starts wearing those Halloween costume, November is coming.
It's close to a year.

I don't like to be misunderstood.
I hate when I can't find the right word to explain myself.
I hate when I have tried my best but still, you do not know what I mean.

I also hate when I caused inconvenience to you unintentionally, put you in a bad bad situation. And yet, I do not know how to help. I am sorry.

好想离家出走
我躲在箱子里太久了
Let me get out here

我应该早一点醒觉，这一切其实都不值得

I browsed through the youtube that day, when I was really bored. I found a video recorded from ‘China got talent’. There was a 12 years old Mongolian boy sings in the competition. I wasn’t quite impressed by his voice because I can't really understand the lyrics. But I was stunned, when he told the judges about his dream：




我要发明一种墨水，把那墨水在地上一点，全世界就会变成绿草


I want to invent a kind of ink that just need a drop to drop on the ground, the whole world will cover with green grass


He lost his parents when he was 8. And still, he came out with this statement when talk about his dream in life. At that moment, I feel embarrassing for being an adult. I have tons of complaints about my job and my life, and I don't contribute enough to help the community. I know I should appreciate for being myself, as I am in a better position compare to those unfortunates at the other side of the world.

一个月又一个月的过
时间并没有让我淡忘什么
我的呼吸反而变得越来越沉重

我该如何走出这个阴影

严重的是
都已经走到了这个地步了
我还不觉的后悔

这时候
除了“活该”
我也不知道该对自己说些什么

我该如何走出这个阴影
我该如何走出这个阴影
我该如何走出这个阴影
我该如何走出这个阴影
我该如何走出这个阴影
我该如何走出这个阴影

怎么办

救命

长相的厮守
还是 短暂的温柔？

前者 先苦后甜
后者 先甜后苦

都是一样的

以前我们在red box最爱点的一首歌 -- 死性不改
那时侯还真是百唱不厌啊，呵呵

以前大学时，又爱玩又爱美
现在还是一样，还真是死性不改

快要是我们相识十周年了
人生有多少个友谊可以让我们挥霍十年的呢

死性不改的我们，一定要过得很好哦

p/s: Please forgive my skill again and the blue color stool. I was feeling tired to stand :p

"I can give up anything that I have. Really one!" I said.

You keep silence, and look at me, and touch my face, and then smile.

All this while, I thought that is a sign of acknowledgement and mutual agreement.

But I just noticed, it is not that way.

You never promise anything, you never said that you are willing to give up things for me.

And now, you gave me up.
Why?

I try to cry, but I couldn't.

I think I am running out of tears. I have been giving enough tears for whatever you have said and you have done for the pass one year.

I really don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I really really do not understand.

When I listen to the song of the new TVB movie - ghetto justice, I fall in love with the theme song
When I found out the singers are hanjin 陈奂仁 and MC Jin 欧阳靖， I fall in love with them

I like them, for some reasons.
Besides the unique music, lyrics, and rap
I think they are showing off their attitude as well

And I love their attitude!

First, I ask for money
God send me the Altera hiring offer letter

2nd, I ask for friendship
God send me a facebook account

3rd, I ask for concern, attention and advises
God send me the bus tickets to my hometown

4th, I ask for dream
God said: refer to item #1

Finally I ask for forever love
God send you
and a calender
showing today's date: 1st of April

You must be kidding me man

回忆过去
痛苦的相思忘不了
为何你还来
拨动我心跳

There is not going to have a good ending for this story, we know this for sure
So please stay away from me, please

在我很小很小的时候，我家有个超人，这个超人不会飞。
因为他太肥了。

但是超人很厉害，什么都会。灯泡，电器，家私，厕所，什么都会修理。
超人很厉害，每个早上我们醒来，妈妈还在房间化妆的时候，他已经变了一桌子的早餐给我们吃。
超人很厉害，我什么也瞒不过他。我到底有没有做好功课，有没有练琴，有没有睡午觉，有没有跟弟弟妹妹打架，有没有讲骗话，在学校有没有乱乱买零食吃，他统统都了如指掌，好像他有天眼那样监视着我的一举一动。

我从小就觉得超人很像个哲学家。不是因为他的学历（他才Form 3 or Form 5 毕业），而是他常常跟我讲的道理都会让我深思很久才领悟到。很厉害。

超人常常跟我说，知识很重要。他的年代，劳力可以带来稳定的收入，但是我未来的年代，只有知识才可以让我在社会立足。超人说，我要好好念书。把书念好，不是为了他或是为了谁，而是为我自己。后来我成了我这个家族第一个考进大学念书的孩子，而且我还是个女儿。我不知道他有没有觉得我很厉害，因为照他的道理来讲，我其实是在为我自己的未来努力而不是为了谁。但是我从小就很想超越他，很想比他更厉害。我很想让他觉得，我这个女儿很厉害。在我大学毕业典礼那天，老爸依然没有开口称赞我。但是在我领了毕业证书从领奖台走下来时，我看见他在家长席站了起来，远远的对着我笑。

老爸像很多典型的爸爸一样，明明心里很开心很感动，但是就是爱面子爱扮cool。

今天的超人，六十岁了。头发开始白了，耳朵开始不太灵光，脚步也越来越缓慢。但是超人在我心中依然是很厉害。

超人用了将近三十年的时间来爱我，爱这个家。
我也会用我今生今世的时间来爱老爸，和这个家。

超人不会飞，没有关系。
像老爸那样的超人，不会飞也很有型。

我心目中的超人不需要会飞，
只要他像老爸那样厉害就可以了。

When I listen to this
I cried, badly.

Man can sweet talk to you in so many ways
But in the end, who can really stay besides you
hold your hand and walk until the end?

那是个下着小雨，有点寒冷的凌晨
开着车轻轻松松的往Los Angeles的方向出发
半途想找个地方填填肚子，就用GPS找看附近的咖啡馆
结果我们就被带到Los Banos这个小镇的Starbucks
那是个距离原来的行程还蛮远的地方。

“你sure吗？Quite 远一下woh。”
“可以la，不用担心，有faiko在。”

Tiffanny is almost every girls’ dream. I can’t deny that I would like to have one too. But marriage is not the matter of Tiffany or diamond carat. What matters is the person that you are going to live with for the rest of your life.

If the person is the right person for me, I don’t need a Tiffanny.
If I can’t find the right person, I don’t need a Tiffanny.

I know I am getting old, and at time goes by I am losing the qualification to say that “I don’t care!” for marriage. But I think if the person is not right, there is no point.

Notice that I don’t really update my blog recently. Simply because I’m buzy :)
1# Crochet cute mittens and hat for my nephew!

My nephew is coming to this wonderful world in March next year. Everyone in the family is soooo excited. Poor little nephew hasn’t get his name yet, mainly because his dad’s surname is ‘Say’ – 谢. This is a very unique surname; usually it will be converted to ‘Sia’, ‘Cheah’, ‘Tsay’… When Pik Yee asks for opinion for her baby’s name, she always ended up getting funny names like ‘Say Cheese’ ‘Say Hello’ ‘Say Sorry’ from us. Poor thing! Haha

2# Fullfill my childhood dream

I know I mentioned that I hate Piano, cuz it brought some not-so-good childhood memory. But I do hope that I know how to play violin, I can’t explain why. I remembered I have a checklist for my 2008 New Year resolution, and one of them is to learn violin. It’s already 2010 December right now. One day, I was doing house-keeping for my gmail, and out of sudden I notice my last email conversation with the music studio was on 2010 January. Seems like I have decided which studio to go and which class to take at that time. I can’t believe that I can drag the decision for 12 months! So the next day lunch time, without any hesitation I to go to ATM, cash out few hundreds, drive to the studio, and register for a violin class.

I just want to make sure that when I die one day, I can tell myself: “It’s ok, at least u know how to play violin…”

3# Maintain my blogshop!

Secret Lover of coz! It is fun, and easy. I do not feel stressful at all by doing all these fun things and trying to grab customers. We have stocked up few more items from victoria secret.

4# Work, of coz 

Works accumulate day by day, never-ending. But I am glad that it is never-ending, that means I am learning something new everyday and oppurtunities come in everyday. Give me more, I can do it!

5# Shopping sprreeeee

I got a new watch, a new pair of white shoes, a new handbag, a new bracelet, a new dinner white dress, a new denim one-piece dress, a new scaft, a new eye pallete from too-faced… feeling guilty right now. My purse hates me, I know.

6# Handle and control my emotions

I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I am sad. I am depress. I am upset. I do not know what do you want. And you tell me that you also do not know what do you want. I really do not know what I am I suppose to do right now.

It is very easy to put something into your heart
and it is very difficult to take it away

It is very easy to love someone
and it is very difficult to forgive

如果时间是可以治疗所有事情
那时间可不可以跳快一点

The first thing the instructor told us during the "7 habits for highly effective people" training class today is to get rid of bad habits.

If you are a shopaholic with heavy credit card debts, time to break the cards now.
If you are a smoker, time to put away the cigarette now.

My bad habit is I tend to think of you when I feel alone. Even when there is someone beside me or I am in the center of crowd. Whenever I feel alone, I will think of you. I feel painful in my heart. Very painful.

I still don't understand. What makes you think that I am strong enough to take this?

NO, you are wrong. I couldn't take this. Not at all.

How can I get rid of this bad habit? I don't know.

I have been trying so hard. At least for the past 7 months. I swear.

Alcohol is the only remedy, I guess.

At least it works for insomnia.

DVD播完了，片尾曲开始响起
字幕也慢慢升上来了

你忽然从我地身后抱着我，
我吓了一跳
“你要干吗？”

“我还没有想到。”

“你到底要怎样？”

“都讲还没有想到咯。等这首歌播完我再跟你讲”

我不明白
那首歌已经播完很久
那几乎是六个月前的事情了
你还是搞不清楚你想怎样

可以告诉我吗？
别在折磨我了

******************************************************************

作詞 : 周杰倫　作曲 : 周杰倫　監製 : 周杰倫

雨淋濕了天空 毀得很講究
妳說妳不懂 為何在這時牽手
我曬乾了沉默 悔得很衝動
就算這是做錯 也只是怕錯過

在一起叫 夢～
分開了叫 痛～
是不是說 沒有做完的夢最痛～
迷路的後 果～
我能承受 這最後的出口在愛過了才有

能不能給我一首歌的時間
緊緊的把那擁抱變成永遠
在我的懷裡妳不用害怕失眠
哦如果妳想忘記我也能失憶

能不能給我一首歌的時間
把故事聽到最後才說再見
妳送我的眼淚 讓它留在雨天
哦越過妳劃的線我定了勇氣 的終點

哦妳說我不該不該 不該在這時候說了我愛妳
要怎麼證明我沒有說謊的力氣 哦請告訴我
暫停算不算放棄 我只有一天的回憶

I almost forget
I have to make sure that I am holding my own key of happiness
I won’t let you hurt my feelings again
I won’t

At this moment
I just want you to stay away from me

一个很没安全感的人，在旅行前一定会像要做好万二分的准备，要万无一失。今天去哪里、怎样去、吃些什么、看些什么、买些什么，都一定要事前计划好。
一个很重视自在感、生活刺激的人，什么都不喜欢先计划好。今天去哪里、怎样去、吃些什么、看些什么、买些什么？睡醒才讲。够力。

所以和石头旅行了这么多次，我每次都会给他气死。

于是这次在快要出发前几个星期，我们一人让一步，达成一个协议。计划一个旅程大纲，但是不要需要太详细。譬如说，哪一天要去南怡岛，哪一天要滑雪之类的。但是不太需要知道怎样去，吃什么，看什么之类的。

结果我在这个旅程得到很多预料不到的惊喜

我开始学会享受
其实有时候迷路也是路途的一部分

去新加坡绕了一圈，跑了一趟韩国
我还是沉淀不了我的心情
我还是忘不了那一晚你的沉默不语

真正的致命伤，是你并没有开口留我